How To Succeed As A Blogger: Spoof Edition

This post was very much inspired by The Cozy Den’s post on Pet Peeves (those two are absolutely killing Blogtober and I’m only just getting the hang of scheduling posts). I’ve been blogging for nearly 5 months now and I like to think that I’ve learned a thing or two. Without further ado, here are some of my favourite tips to help YOU succeed in the blogosphere. (And maybe quit your full-time job one day to live a life of blogging from home and watching the cash stream in whilst you play with your cat, bake brownies and drink cocktails in the garden. Just me? Okay then.)

  • Hide in your little blog world and expect people to stumble on you because you’re just gold and fine wines need no advertisement.

You’re a talented little snowflake and why should you put yourself out there to bring people to your site? Surely they’ll find you because you are made of top stuff. Don’t even think about mingling with other bloggers – far too lowly for someone of your calibre.

  • Copy and paste a “This post is great” compliment on about 1000 blogs.

Insincere, impersonal and minimal effort. Everything you should strive to be as a blogger. Who has time for actually reading posts and taking the time to write a genuine compliment? Templates like “Omg I love your blog, follow for follow?” are going to be your life raft.

  • Play the follow/unfollow game.

This should be your absolute priority when it comes to social media. Prey on as many unsuspecting newbie bloggers as you can and hit that follow button like crazy. Once you see your stats go up, simply hit unfollow. Ain’t nobody got time for building quality relationships and getting to know other people who love blogging just as much as you do.

  • Agree to write a guest post for someone within a certain time frame and then just don’t do it. At all.

People love being let down. Make sure you promise the post very enthusiastically by a certain date, and then just don’t bother. Carry on blogging as usual and don’t ever write the guest post, let alone by that date.

  • Spam other people’s social media with links to your posts every 2 minutes. Especially on Twitter.

Dig up posts you wrote years ago, posts that you may not even remember writing. Remember, the key to successful self-promotion is to be as annoying and as incessant about it as possible. Do this on all your social media channels and you might just have yourself a winner. Pro tip – do the same with links to your Instagram, and then follow this up with the follow/unfollow game. When you get called out on it, cry and blame the Instagram algorithm.

And these are my top tips for becoming a likeable, successful blogger who builds organic relationships with their readers as well as fellow bloggers. I’d absolutely love to hear any of your tips that you fancy sharing, whether you’re a newbie or a seasoned pro – let’s all learn from each other. You go girl.

– J

Disclaimer: This is a gargantuan spoof and J apologises from the bottom of her sarcastic little heart for any offence caused. You are perfectly within your rights to play as many follow/unfollow games as you wish – J accepts no responsibility for the consequences of such actions. The featured image was created on canva.com by J, exclusively for thenellybean.Β 

 

31 Comments on “How To Succeed As A Blogger: Spoof Edition”

  1. Maaan if only we had known.. we’ve been doing it wrong the whole time πŸ˜€ seriously though, we looooove this idea and sarcasm is always appreciated! The good old follow and unfollow game.. CLASSIC. Also please don’t have any expectations on our blogtober game, we’re only half way through fml πŸ˜€ but thank you so much!:) we’re trying our best, scheduling is essentially our lives because we’re germans and everything needs to be neatly sorted..jks we don’t know how we’ve been making it work so far. Once you’ve got the hang of it, scheduling is going to be a blessing but you’re rocking it without it anyway, so you do you! πŸ™‚ thanks again! J. & S. xx

  2. Haha you made me laugh with these! And they’re all things that we see all the time. Let’s see if I can think of any to add – write to as many bloggers as you can, saying how much you love their blog and offering to write a post for them on something that is as far removed from their blog topic as possible! Make it super-clear that this is a generic email and that you didn’t put any thought into it at all. Then, when you’re done, find some bloggers who look as though they’ve taken time to build a loyal following, and dump links to your paid products or services on their posts, because obviously nobody will delete them or mark them as spam!

  3. Finally a blog post that give you the real low down on how to succeed. Great tips that I’ll definitely have to put into action! πŸ˜‰

    A- simplylovely90.com

  4. I blooming love ya! You never fail to make me chuckle. I am in awe of your blogger knowledge too, I did not realise I was doing it wrong the whole time. Thank you oh wise one. hahaha

  5. Yaaas finally a realistic approach to growing your blogs audience πŸ˜‰ the follow unfollow game is the worst because it achieves nothing in the long run in terms of building a loyal and genuinely following..loved this post – it definitely brightened up my morning!

  6. πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£
    U morning has been made.am so slow ornery took me a while to reaslise the sarcasm, am like wait a minute now, am I reading this right? Lol great post

  7. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    On the train thinking….. erm! Then I thought….. this girl thinks like me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Excellent.
    I hate the follow/unfollow game. I’ve resorted to an app for my Instagram. It’s interesting to see how long the follow and then leave. Just don’t follow me if you don’t want to, simples!

    This post is great. All this time I’ve been waiting for readers to justcome flooding in because I AM gold….. like, hello?!

    Kudos missus

    πŸ™ŒπŸ™Œ

    1. Haha thanks Leanne, You ARE gold! i know how you feel about the follow/unfollow thing, the app thing is handy isn’t it? People who follow only to unfollow aren’t worth it xx

  8. LOOOOOOOOL!! I’m stuck at “Copy and paste a β€œThis post is great” compliment on about 1000 blogs.” cause that’s what people do then throw in their blog link. I love this spoof edition, def going to consider all of this very very important advice… hahahhahha

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