I’m Sorry.

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To my dearest readers,

This one is a deeply personal one for me. In short, I’m losing someone very, very close to me to terminal cancer. As you can imagine, a lot has been going on recently and my head has been all over the place. There have been things I have wanted to say, but just haven’t been able to. I wanted to write this piece to capture that, and to help my conscience out – if only a little. 

I’ll leave it there, comments and stories welcome as always. Big hugs to you all.

– J

When I was little, I was the cheekiest of monkeys.
I picked at my food and threw tantrums,
Calling me a diva would have been an understatement.
I would run to you when I was in trouble;
Because I knew I was your little girl and could do no wrong.
For that, I’m sorry.

One day, you were driving me to school as usual.
I don’t remember what we were chatting about now,
But you didn’t agree with me on something,
And I called you stupid.
It hurt you.
For that, I’m sorry.

You always told me to work hard.
You would share stories of your career,
The way you struggled in America,
And the way you worked your way up against the odds.
I yawned and changed the topic.
For that, I’m sorry.

Time passed and I got older,
Our lives changed forever when we got here.
You worked tirelessly to provide for us as always,
Always wanting the best for us,
Whilst I turned into a teenage monster.
For that, I’m sorry.

Over the years, I hardly got to see you,
Yet there was always fighting in the house.
Fingers were pointed,
But we were all to blame.
Somehow, we never learned to say sorry.
For that, I’m sorry.

Then the bomb dropped and we received the news.
Nobody wanted to face it,
But we knew time was short.
Yet we did nothing.
Nothing at all.
For that, I’m sorry.

You went through hell and back,
Took whatever the past few years threw at you without question.
Yet I knew you were hurting inside.
There was so much you’d wanted to do,
But the disease said no.
For that, I’m sorry.

You always wanted to watch me graduate,
And walk me down the aisle.
But you won’t be in my graduation photos.
You won’t get to tell embarrassing childhood stories at my wedding.
We won’t get to do all those things we wanted to do together.
And for that, I’m sorry.

Yet now, watching you from my chair in the corner,
You are more at peace than you have ever been.
I know you’re going to a better place soon;
A place you truly deserve.
Why you had to endure so much and wait so long to get there,
All I can say is –
I just don’t know.
And for that, I’m sorry.

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Disclaimer: All images used in this post have been obtained from Pixabay under a Creative Commons License and edited on Canva by J, exclusively for thenellybean.com.

10 Comments on “I’m Sorry.”

  1. I’m so sorry that this has happened to your family and that you’ve been going through such a tough time.
    It helps to write the words sometimes. My granddad passed away suddenly and there were so many things I wish I could have told him – sorry was one of them – but I think he knew. Sending big hugs XX

  2. I honestly have no words to say but I wish I could just give you a hug. Hope you and your family will be strong through these tough times <3

  3. I was debating whether or not to comment because I don’t feel I have any words that can really do much or say much. My mum lost her dad to cancer when she was 17 and despite me never meeting him, I feel a deep connection because of what she’s told me. Her childhood and teenage years misbehaving are now these great, funny stories she has with her dad.
    Your poem is so beautiful! I imagine it helped sharing your thoughts and putting it together. Sending you love. xx

    1. Hi Laura, I’m so happy you commented – that’s a beautiful story and I’m glad your mum sees them as anecdotes she can laugh about now. Thank you, will take a while but hopefully time will work its healing magic xx

Comments and stories welcome!