Things I Do When Nobody’s Looking

  • I pee in the shower.

Oh come on, who doesn’t? You who is smirking at your screen right now – yes, you – don’t lie to me.

  • I sit in bed and listen to dramatic film soundtracks and cry my little heart out.

I may or may not have done this to the soundtrack to The Lion King. Yes, Hans Zimmer is the king of plagiarism but it’s still sob-worthy, okay?

  • I sit in front of a mirror and play with my tummy flab.

Sometimes I hunch over and make faces with all my rolls. And do voices to go along with them. Anyone else?

  • I google myself and wonder what it would be like to have the paparazzi spreading rumours about you.

The size of my ego is perfectly normal and healthy, I promise. *googles past achievements and wonders what kind of scandal I’m most likely to be part of*

  • I browse Amazon and Etsy for hours, making lists of everything I want to get but never end up buying anything.

Okay, sometimes I get one item on the list. Or two. Or more if it’s pay day and I’m feeling impulsive.

  • I put music on and dance to it – whilst watching myself in the mirror.

It’s a strangely masochistic thing to do when you have dance moves like mine. Also one of the many reasons I’m not a fan of clubbing – when I do go, my go-to move is to jump up and down.

  • I sing along to my favourite tunes… and wonder why it never quite sounds the same in front of someone else.

It’s strange how you can DIY karaoke (backing track and all) with yourself one minute and sound worse than your neighbour’s cat the next.

  • I pull the most hideous faces I can muster and take selfies.

Analysing yourself at your worst is a strangely fascinating process. It’s almost as if I want to stop but I literally can’t look away.

  • I sniff myself and wonder how pheromones have the power to fool some people into thinking I smell nice.

Much more pleasant alternative to Novichok in that perfume bottle, wouldn’t you agree?

  • I narrate whatever I’m doing at the time in the most dramatic voice I can muster.

“Before the cheese can take charge and amalgamate with the bread, the egg must be cooked to that delicate balance of runny and fluffy. The epitome of culinary perfection. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where the true beauty of the humble egg and cheese sandwich lies.” I am insane, aren’t I? Diction is everything though.

Please, please leave a comment below if you do any of these things. Please. I refuse to be the only one.

– J

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Disclaimer: All images used in this post have been obtained from Pixabay under a Creative Commons License and edited on Canva exclusively for thenellybean. 

12 Comments on “Things I Do When Nobody’s Looking”

  1. I turn everything off, just to get some rare silence. My husband can’t seem to live without the radio and or the radio blaring. That is then overlaid with the sound of urban warfare (Luke playing Fortnight) and Bobby playing Sonic


      1. I used to go for maybe a week at a time with no TV, now it feels like 24/7. So yes, silence is golden 🙂

  2. I bloody love you J! You crack me up ?? I do most of this stuff too, especially the playing with my tumy fat n listening to dramatic songs! And the dancing around in the mirror lol I actually pretend im in music videos ? love this post though, you’re the best xx

  3. I just recently googled my name since I just got married and changed my name and the first reault… a porn star with the same name! I’d have to do something quite extreme to get ahead of her! ?

  4. The first thing I need to address here is egg and cheese together. What monster does that! Cheese and tomato, egg and cucumber. Its the rules…… Yep, I have been known to put on sad songs and films that I know will make me cry, especially when pre-menstral and needing the outlet. Im talking full on sob too. Snot bubbles and everything. I also love to hear myself sing. No one else loves to hear me sing, but I own that shower! The rest of your points are all yours gorgeous hahaha xx

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